Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
