Just fell off a train. Bad.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
