he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
