Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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