i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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