at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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