Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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