you would pick up someone in the library
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just invented taco cereal.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
