In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
