Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
