yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Plan B is the new Plan A
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
