I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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