I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
