TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
