she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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