I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
