That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just want to make out with him forever
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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