I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
