was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
