billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize