I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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