Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There's always time for handjobs
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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