I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
