i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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