There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
