this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
