LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
