I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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