WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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