i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
