I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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