Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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