I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
