how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
