the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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