This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
