hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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