If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
two words: eviction party
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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