I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
