I'm so fucking centered right now
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
