Got a toothbrush?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
i now understand why vodka
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
