Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
