So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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