You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Randomize
