defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
