I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
