I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
