During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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