you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
