how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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