Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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