I puked a lego.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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