I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
