Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
