I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
