oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize